Facts, on demand
Need to prove somethin'? Disprove it? Both, in the same meeting? "Actually, the data on that shifted in March." What data? Which March? Nobody's ever gonna ask, 'cause I said it slow.
Chad Bechtel, Ph.D., M.B.A., Esq., C.P.A.*
Professional Expert.
An expert in what? We'll both find out in the meeting.
For a one-time donation I may join your meeting and say anything you want. Every fact, figure and study gets made up on the spot.
*None of these are real. Nothing I say is true. No promises or guarantees of anything at any time.
94.7%of clients agree. I didn't ask them.
11.2xreturn on something. We never said what.
3 in 5meetings end sooner when I start talkin' about Q3 of 2009.
Source: Dr. Greg Lindqvist, Harvard. I also made him up. He has been very helpful.
Interview your expert
Pick an expert and put him to work: chat here, get texts on your phone, or call and he'll answer as that expert. Free. 100% of these experts are Chad's AI, according to a study.
Assembling a panel of experts...
Selected engagements
Past results are not a guarantee of anything. Neither are future ones. Neither is this sentence.
What I bring to the table
Psychological warfare
I'll call your boss Brenda. His name is Kevin. "My name's Kevin." "Not in this market it isn't, Brenda." By minute twenty, nobody knows who works there. That's when I ask for the budget.
People who don't exist
"As I told Marcus at the Geneva summit." "Tell that to Dr. Okafor's team." "Wasn't that Ted's whole thing, before the incident?" Everybody nods. Somebody says they know Ted.
Fake follow-ups, forever
Afterward I'll send a follow-up email citin' action items nobody agreed to, then schedule a meetin' and push it back. And again. By next fall it's a recurring invite for no one, and you never have to talk to any of those people again.
The rage quit
Leavin' your company gracefully? Disgracefully? I'll get you out either way. I give the speech, I drop the mic, you click Leave Meeting. HR'll need a whole new form.
Spice for boring boardrooms
Wigs. Silly outfits. A suit and tie, if you want to really frighten 'em. I'll sing, by request. Nobody has ever requested it twice.
Suggested donations
One meetin', one suggested donation, by Zelle. I bill like a lawyer and know as much as a golden retriever.
The Nodder
$149
Up to 30 minutes. I'm mostly there to look concerned.
- "Let me push back on that."
- Two made-up statistics
- One person called the wrong name
The Subject Matter Expert
$349
Up to an hour. Pick your side, and I'll prove it or disprove it.
- Unlimited figures, none of 'em real
- Experts who don't exist
- Wrong names for anybody you pick
Most confusing
The Senior Fellow
$749
The whole meeting, however long it goes. Mass chaos and confusion, on purpose.
- Everything in the Expert plan
- Full psychological warfare
- I take over the agenda, then lose it
The Mic Drop
$999
One rage quit. Your exit from the company, graceful or disgraceful, your pick.
- A speech that gets quoted at your going-away
- The mic itself, dropped
- You leave. I stay and keep talkin'.
Extras
- Emergency, under 3 days' notice: $250. I prefer 3 days. Your meeting's in an hour? I'm already in the car. I don't need a car. It's a video call.
- Cleanup: $500. Whatever mess I made, I'll come back and blame somebody named Ted.
- Fake follow-ups and endless rescheduling: $199. Emails, invites, postponements, indefinitely, so y'all never actually talk again.
- Screen share and deck: $75. Slides with charts that go up. Up what? Up.
- Recording and AI transcript: $50. Everybody gets told it's on. The transcript will also not be factual.
- Wig or silly outfit: $75. My pick, unless you've got a vision.
- Song: $50. Any topic. Your quarterly numbers, sung, with feelin'.
- Suit and tie: $25. I only own the one, and it's seen things.
Camera on or camera off is free, your call. Same goes for which platform. Skype's fine too. I'll be the only one there, but I've been told that's the point.
The fine print, which is real
Nothing I say is true. Some rooms I won't sit in.
- Nothing I say is true. None of the data, facts or names are factual. It's all made up on the spot. Nothing I say is to be trusted.
- No promises or guarantees of anything at any time.
- Some rooms I won't sit in. No investors, lenders, auditors, regulators, courts, or customers decidin' whether to buy somethin'. Nobody's puttin' real money or a sworn statement on my numbers. It's a bit, and I'd like to stay out of the kind of room with a stenographer.
- I don't pick on anybody for who they are. Wrong names, yes. Anything cruel about somebody's race, religion, gender, health or the like, no. I'll leave the meetin' first.
- You've got to be allowed to bring me in. It's your meetin' or you've got a seat at it. Anybody recordin' tells everybody.
- Your job is your job. I can drop a mic. What happens to your career after that's on you, and I'll be real sorry, Brenda.
- No refunds. Everything's a Zelle donation. I confirm every bookin' myself, if I'm doin' it.
How you pay: Zelle
Zelle donation. No refunds. No real invoice.
- Zelle only, to chadbechtel225@gmail.com. Put your first name in the memo.
- I won't send an invoice. If I do, it's fake, and it won't be for the amount you actually paid, if you actually paid.
- It's all a donation. Donations are appreciated, because my time and services may or may not be real.
- No refunds. Zelle doesn't do take-backs and neither do I. This part's no joke: it's real money, so only send what you're fine never seein' again.
Book your expert
Tell me about the meetin'. Then you'll see where to Zelle it.
Noted. 96% of people stop readin' here. Don't.
to chadbechtel225@gmail.com
By Zelle, with your first name in the memo. It's a donation, with no refunds. It's real money, so only send what you're fine never seein' again. I won't send an invoice. If I do, it's fake, and it won't be for the amount you actually paid, if you actually paid.